Literally Everyone Else Saw Break-Up Coming

OAKLAND, CA—35 year-old aspiring entrepreneur and barista, Brad Middler, was shocked on Sunday night when he received a text from the woman he had been dating for seven weeks that they should just be friends.

"Well, yeah," Sarah Bosworth, 33, Brad's best friend of 12 years said. "They weren't going to last. Lexie is going to law school, she looks like Jennifer Lawrence and on the weekends she runs to raise money for cancer even though she's never even known anyone who's had cancer. Brad canceled their last date to watch YouTube tutorials on how to repair Tamagotchis."

Annette Storke, 54, was their waitress last Saturday at Kenny's Diner.

"At first I thought they were cousins or something, because she was so clearly out of his league. She was polite and tipped well, and he asked me if the cream of chicken soup was vegan."

Later, the waitress added that she was 99% heterosexual, but if the 23 year-old law student had propositoned her, she would have turned in the hall pass she had reserved for Tom Selleck for a date with Lexie.

Morris Hughes, local bench sitter, 74, saw the couple walk by when he was sitting at a bus stop on Friday.

"Damn," Mr. Hughes said about the couple. "He must have money or be a tiger in bed or something. Because she's a bombshell and he looks like an oversized Victorian orphan with tuberculosis."

Sources from both Middler's bank and his ex-girlfriends report no notable financial assets or impressive skills in the bedroom.

Laura Middler, Brad's mother, was disappointed to find out that once again she would not be introduced to one of Brad's girlfriends.

"Just once, I'd like to at least meet one of his girlfriends before she gets too busy with work to continue the relationship or a special overseas assignment that means she can't contact him ever again." 

As of this afternoon, Middler has not reported any contact with Lexie, but was heartened when some promising leads came in from eBay to further augment his broken Tamgotchi collection.